It has taken tremendous effort to do this, to start posting, to get this far, as I am totally flat, dead inside. I think I need to rest now. But no, i cant do that because then my mind plays up on me. I don't want the time to think because it hurts to think, it comes in flashes. I will read, watch a movie, make some tea. I find that making tea consoles me. I get the bouts of drinking in the evening, when my wife is not home I look for an opportunity to have consoling drink. My children, four of them are living at home during the day, one of them, the other work and attend school - they bring some sanity into my life ...'life'.
Drunken driving - i was apprehended and jailed a few days ago - i have a criminal record for this in the past - a few times now i have been pulled over and jailed - i think 4 times in four years and about to go to court for the second offence.
Drinking is not my problem, I have problems that i think are insurmountable, and drinking and getting drunk makes them 'all go away' for just that moment - but brings on the drunken driving charges and of course, i'm even more now in this pit than before, but still trying to hang on, hold on to some dignity. I have been a failure since a child, could not cope at school like the average kid - dropped out (i tried though - i really wanted to succeed), could not cope with military service either, again i tried and wanted to succeed and dropped out, failed at every job i have taken on and am over 50. Now you wont believe this, but i still play football, for the veternas, and these folk i play with dont have a clue as to the mixed up, broken and hurting person that i am, the failure - they even want me to be on the committee that manages the club. I am tired of pretending - i just want to tell the world that: 'here is Joe Soap, i am an emotional wreck because i cant keep up with you - since a little boy i have not been able to keep up with you'.
I have been doing a whole lot of social work for many years now caring for poorer folk but i can't even care for myself. I think i see myself in these poor hopeless people and therefor reach out to them because i know how they are hurting and the rejection they suffer and endure because of their lack of education and all that is related to it. But then now that i think of it, how much is enough and how much is too little?
My father was a drunk and my mother ...what mother, she went though the motions of rearing us - she never had the opportunity to be a mother with a drunken husband. PHEW! my situation is all but down, dead and out.
How much is your heart hurting? Because mine is hurting so much.
Drunken driving - i was apprehended and jailed a few days ago - i have a criminal record for this in the past - a few times now i have been pulled over and jailed - i think 4 times in four years and about to go to court for the second offence.
Drinking is not my problem, I have problems that i think are insurmountable, and drinking and getting drunk makes them 'all go away' for just that moment - but brings on the drunken driving charges and of course, i'm even more now in this pit than before, but still trying to hang on, hold on to some dignity. I have been a failure since a child, could not cope at school like the average kid - dropped out (i tried though - i really wanted to succeed), could not cope with military service either, again i tried and wanted to succeed and dropped out, failed at every job i have taken on and am over 50. Now you wont believe this, but i still play football, for the veternas, and these folk i play with dont have a clue as to the mixed up, broken and hurting person that i am, the failure - they even want me to be on the committee that manages the club. I am tired of pretending - i just want to tell the world that: 'here is Joe Soap, i am an emotional wreck because i cant keep up with you - since a little boy i have not been able to keep up with you'.
I have been doing a whole lot of social work for many years now caring for poorer folk but i can't even care for myself. I think i see myself in these poor hopeless people and therefor reach out to them because i know how they are hurting and the rejection they suffer and endure because of their lack of education and all that is related to it. But then now that i think of it, how much is enough and how much is too little?
My father was a drunk and my mother ...what mother, she went though the motions of rearing us - she never had the opportunity to be a mother with a drunken husband. PHEW! my situation is all but down, dead and out.
How much is your heart hurting? Because mine is hurting so much.
Thank you for visiting my blog. I can't say I know much about Finney, but I do know who God is and I'm assuming you do, too. I want to say I'm glad you put your thoughts out here and were honest about who you are. My question is, is this the man you plan to be the rest of your life? I could quote bunches of Bible verses here like most Christians do, but I am pretty much to the point instead of offering fluffy words. I am a kind person, so please understand when I write what I'm going to write, I'm not judging you; I'm just telling you like it is.
ReplyDeleteYou say you are hurting, and so you drink just like your dad did. How did his drinking help you and how is your drinking helping your wife and kids? The fact that you set up a blog, wrote a blog with complete sentences and were able to articulate your thoughts tells me you are not some unskilled man.
If you are hurting this much, why don't you stop nursing your wounds, and start behaving as though your family means the world to you? I'd like to share something with you. My younger brother is 51 and dying of pancreatic cancer. He never touched a drink in his life. He went to church regularly and provided for his family. It is only a matter of time before his life is over. You are choosing to live your life in a prison of pain, which brings huge pain to your wife and kids. Who is gaining anything from it?
When I think that my brother doesn't have much longer to live, and you, as far as I know, have no fatal diagnosis attached to you, I have to wonder, why? Why wouldn't you, if you know the truth about God, why wouldn't you deliberately decide to live your life in a way that would honor Him and you could be a man your family is proud of?
Six years ago, I buried my youngest brother. He drank himself to death and never gave his sons anything at all to help them through life. Two brothers, one did everything wrong and the other thought he did everything right. When it all comes down to it, we take our last breath and there are no more chances for do-overs.
Let me share something else. My mother was no mother but it wasn't because of my dad; it was because she never dealt with her anger and she took it out on us kids. The abuse and beatings delivered to us were horrifying and it has had a lasting affect on more than a few of my siblings; especially the one who died. I am one who has gone through a hellish childhood, but I consciously chose to dig my way out. It has not been easy but it's been so worth it. I guess that's why I don't sugarcoat my words or the Gospel of Jesus Christ; I wasn't babied or coddled so I don't baby or coddle.
Now that I've been rather blunt, may I ask you kindly and softly ... why don't you do something about this? You don't need to keep up with the world ... you need to let God create a new heart in you. Your labels all describe what you want the world to think about you: dead, desperate, drunk, hope, hopeless, hurting, lost, sanity, shame.
How about deciding you are worth more than alcohol can give you? How about deciding your wife and kids deserve better than you're giving them? How about getting some new labels and being a new man? I'm sure I'm not the first person to tell you this; no doubt your wife has tried and maybe given up. If you're listening to what's going on in our world, this is NOT the time to be checked out.
Please stop pretending you are someone you're not before your time is up. Please. I know what it is to hurt, but I made the choice to let the pain of my past go and live a life that gives meaning to someone else. Again, I thank you for writing and for having the courage to put your honest thoughts out there. Now, DO something about it. It's your choice to drink your life away and it's also your choice to be a better man. Please think about it and let me know how you are doing. I speak truthfully because I really care.
Well, today is a new day. What have you decided to do with it? Waiting to hear!
ReplyDeleteyou are right Shirly ...God help me!
ReplyDelete