It has taken tremendous effort to do this, to start posting, to get this far, as I am totally flat, dead inside. I think I need to rest now. But no, i cant do that because then my mind plays up on me. I don't want the time to think because it hurts to think, it comes in flashes. I will read, watch a movie, make some tea. I find that making tea consoles me. I get the bouts of drinking in the evening, when my wife is not home I look for an opportunity to have consoling drink. My children, four of them are living at home during the day, one of them, the other work and attend school - they bring some sanity into my life ...'life'.
Drunken driving - i was apprehended and jailed a few days ago - i have a criminal record for this in the past - a few times now i have been pulled over and jailed - i think 4 times in four years and about to go to court for the second offence.
Drinking is not my problem, I have problems that i think are insurmountable, and drinking and getting drunk makes them 'all go away' for just that moment - but brings on the drunken driving charges and of course, i'm even more now in this pit than before, but still trying to hang on, hold on to some dignity. I have been a failure since a child, could not cope at school like the average kid - dropped out (i tried though - i really wanted to succeed), could not cope with military service either, again i tried and wanted to succeed and dropped out, failed at every job i have taken on and am over 50. Now you wont believe this, but i still play football, for the veternas, and these folk i play with dont have a clue as to the mixed up, broken and hurting person that i am, the failure - they even want me to be on the committee that manages the club. I am tired of pretending - i just want to tell the world that: 'here is Joe Soap, i am an emotional wreck because i cant keep up with you - since a little boy i have not been able to keep up with you'.
I have been doing a whole lot of social work for many years now caring for poorer folk but i can't even care for myself. I think i see myself in these poor hopeless people and therefor reach out to them because i know how they are hurting and the rejection they suffer and endure because of their lack of education and all that is related to it. But then now that i think of it, how much is enough and how much is too little?
My father was a drunk and my mother ...what mother, she went though the motions of rearing us - she never had the opportunity to be a mother with a drunken husband. PHEW! my situation is all but down, dead and out.
How much is your heart hurting? Because mine is hurting so much.
Drunken driving - i was apprehended and jailed a few days ago - i have a criminal record for this in the past - a few times now i have been pulled over and jailed - i think 4 times in four years and about to go to court for the second offence.
Drinking is not my problem, I have problems that i think are insurmountable, and drinking and getting drunk makes them 'all go away' for just that moment - but brings on the drunken driving charges and of course, i'm even more now in this pit than before, but still trying to hang on, hold on to some dignity. I have been a failure since a child, could not cope at school like the average kid - dropped out (i tried though - i really wanted to succeed), could not cope with military service either, again i tried and wanted to succeed and dropped out, failed at every job i have taken on and am over 50. Now you wont believe this, but i still play football, for the veternas, and these folk i play with dont have a clue as to the mixed up, broken and hurting person that i am, the failure - they even want me to be on the committee that manages the club. I am tired of pretending - i just want to tell the world that: 'here is Joe Soap, i am an emotional wreck because i cant keep up with you - since a little boy i have not been able to keep up with you'.
I have been doing a whole lot of social work for many years now caring for poorer folk but i can't even care for myself. I think i see myself in these poor hopeless people and therefor reach out to them because i know how they are hurting and the rejection they suffer and endure because of their lack of education and all that is related to it. But then now that i think of it, how much is enough and how much is too little?
My father was a drunk and my mother ...what mother, she went though the motions of rearing us - she never had the opportunity to be a mother with a drunken husband. PHEW! my situation is all but down, dead and out.
How much is your heart hurting? Because mine is hurting so much.
